You know those days when you start thinking that no one has your back? That no one really likes you; that they’re all your friends just out of pity? That no one really believes in you except for yourself?
Yup. We’ve all had them – and if you haven’t, you are really, really lucky.
This week hasn’t been the greatest for me. That’s not to mean that it’s been bad – there’s just been periods where my brain was telling me quite a few negative things quite a few times.
As I posted in my last post, I got rejected from the Disney International College Program. That was really hard for me, for a few reasons. Firstly, because it’s the first job I’ve ever applied for that I’ve never got – and it feels even more devastating being rejected by my favourite company ever. Secondly, because so many people did get in, it feels like there is something intrinsically horrible with me because I didn’t get in. Thirdly, because I really, really wanted it. (I know, I’ve said ‘really, really’ so many times this post already. Sorry! I just finished one of my assignments and my brain is fried).
Ironically, the acceptances for the DICP came out on my birthday, so I got to see all the accepted applicants’ excited Facebook posts in my newsfeed. With that aside, one of my best friends forgot about my birthday. Then I also had a lot of family drama which also impacted upon my birthday.
I do this thing a lot, where I just brush everything aside. I joke off my feelings a lot; if you hurt my feelings I generally won’t tell you, I’ll make a sarcastic comment or a joke – pretty much anything which stops me seeming vulnerable. Unfortunately though, all these little things that happen – like my best friend forgetting my birthday, or my family drama that makes me feel bitter and sad and angry all at the same time – gets mixed up in a big jumble inside my head and sometimes my brain spends too much time analysing the negative things which come with these events than it should. Add a sprinkle of self doubt and self consciousness and everything else which makes you feel incompetent and uncomfortable with yourself as a teenager, as well as a dash of ‘what the hell will I do in my life’ and that’s a lot of negativity.
Sometimes, it gets to me. On Sunday afternoon I ran a 5km race, and my brain started it’s negativity and I started crying, for the whole race (I didn’t have any tissues with me, and so much snot was coming out of my nose that I had to blow my nose on a disgusting grass-stained gym towel. You didn’t ask, but I thought I’d over share anyway).
You can’t let it get to you the whole time though. We all have sad days, but I refuse to let myself simmer in this soup of negativity and believe everything that my brain tells me. It’s like two halves of your brain are fighting against each other: the happy, positive side, and the side that wants you to be in a cocoon of sadness. Each side have their own ammo though; just like the negative side reminds you of all the things which make you sad, the happy side have all the things you’ve done that have made you proud, all the things that remind you that you are happy, free and the negative days aren’t forever.
This is one of my ways to work through it. Writing has always been a way for me to sort through my feelings; to process them, and then move on from them. It’s almost clerical the way I do it; and sometimes I feel more like a character living my life rather than myself, but it helps. I always feel much happier getting all the negativity out of my brain; it’s like pressing the backspace button, and getting a fresh page.
If writing doesn’t help you, find something that does. If all else fails, allow yourself one day of mellowing in a duvet, sitting in your pyjamas in a dark room, watching Titanic and eating Ben & Jerry’s. At least then, if you cry, you can blame it on the fact that Rose was too selfish to move over an inch and let Jack on the raft.
What makes you down? What do you do on the sad days? Let me know in the comments!